Summer and Damien Rice

school is so close to being over, i can taste it. i cant wait for the summer. my favorite time of year. i will appreciate it even more this summer i think, i dont know if i have ever put forth this much effort in school in my whole life. i hope it pays off. last semester, i did so good; i dont know about this one though. im pumped, i got tickets to the damien rice concert in nyc on may 21st. we bought our tickets and then a week later, lisa hannigan, a part of the band (a crucial part of the band, in my opinion) just left, in the middle of the tour. i think that i may have been more excited about seeing her than damien rice... but i'm trying to be optimistic. i hear damien rice is still one of the most increadible performers. i cant wait... i just wonder how it will be without lisa hannigan. she is a big part of all of my favorite damien rice songs.

Gramps.

my grandpa just keeps getting sicker and weaker. the last time that i was there to see him, i remember i left so happy because he was walking around smiling and giggling to himself and that was a good day. today i went there and i dont think that he even lifted his head up once. i kept waving my hand right in front of his face to get his attention, but even then, he didnt snap out of it. he barely talked at all. his mood always affects my mood. if he is happy, so am i, if he is out of it, so am i. when i went there today, i was in such a good mood, and it is sad, because i remember him the last time that i was there (when he was happy) and i think that is how he will be when i see him again, but i never know who he is going to be when i go there. there is no consistency in his behaviors, in his mind. this is really sad to say, but i remember being in middle school and i remember thinking about how i honestly didnt know how i would survive if my grandfather died. i can honestly say that i would of been so completely lost... i just dont even know. but now it's so sad to think that him being here... how he is now, and his suffering, might even be worst.

Short Story

writing that short story was hard. i can honestly say that i hated it. i am terrible at that style of writing. i wrote one short story before, in high school, and it was pretty awful. i find it impossible to try to write something in that many pages and make it sound good. im really not good with the whole plot thing. descriptions are my strength, but i could take up four pages just setting one scene. im not good with action and i think short stories need alot of it. i just didnt want to write the short story. it was probably the toughest thing ive had to write yet. well, anyways, im so happy to finally be DONE with it.

V.T.

the virginia tech killings are really heartbreaking. i felt so weird walking to campus after it, just thinking, that it could happen anywhere. i was watching the news one night when the V.T. police were being interviewed and it made me so sick. they were asking crazy questions like describe the scene, the guy said that it was the worst thing he had ever seen, but the media kept probing, just hungry for specifics. it made me so sick i had to turn the t.v. off. now, they are just looking to blame, blame, blame. that makes me even more upset. i saw a handful of students that were interviewed about the way that the campus handled the situation, and they stood behind their campus for the most part. a few other students talked about how they forgave the shooter; that they will never understand it, but they forgive him, because he felt like he needed to go to this extreme to be heard... i guess the shooter had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital and they found that he was a danger to himself or others; how can someone like that go and buy a gun and it doesnt even show up in the background check.... that's kind of scary. i guess there are just some things that i will never understand...

Italy, Here I Come!

It's official. I'm going to Italy. I just bought my plane ticket. I'm going with my two best guy friends from high school. We are going to visit our italian friend, Costanza. Our senior year, the four of us were inseperable... I wish I could go back and relive that one year of my life, just to do it all again, because it was so fucking good. Hopefully this vacation will only mirror those times that we spent together before. I can't wait to see her... she came back for the two christmas's after she went home, but I haven't seen her in 4 years. We are going there for 2 weeks. Just doesn't seem long enough, I'm sure when I get back, I'll say the same thing. We are going to travel to Rome and Florence. She lives in Sicily. I can't wait to see the Coliseum. Being able to stand on so much history, I think that is what I'm most excited about. That, and seeing her again. We made sure to buy our tickets for the day after the 4th of July.. my favorite holiday. The tradition is to spend the entire day tubbing down the river and drinking beer... making sure not to leave any emptys... I just want it to be July already. If not July, I at least want the weather to feel like July, so I can enjoy it a little more.

Too Much School Work

school is starting to get a little out of control. I feel like i have so much work to get done, but i just cant physically do it, which is most likely due to my procrastination and vacation. so, it is, mostly self inflicted... but it just seems like everything piled up at once, i thought i had so much time... guess not. on top of all of the school work, i have to work 25 hours a week, and i have to complete 25 observation hours in a school an hour away, and i have to have 5 lunch's with a peer that has learning disability. too, too, much. i dont know if i am going to survive this semester. i took almost 3 years off from school... and i think that i forgot that some semesters are just like this. oh well, at least there is a little break coming up soon. i can do some catching up then.

Saint Patricks Day

saint patty's day is always a good day. it's my favorite holiday. my best friends are super irish and proud, so, it's always a pretty incredible day. i was pretty upset that they canceled the parade though. i had so much work to do, so it was probably the best thing. i spent half of st patty's day doing this huge project that was due on monday... but, i caught up with my friends around 4. my best guy friend was doing the irish jig... with his belly hanging out... pretty memorable moment, good thing i got it on video... one more item to add to the list that i could blackmail him with.... haha. anyways, i got to see old, old, old, friends. my ex boyfriend of 5 years was there with his new girlfriend. it was good to see him. he has the sweetest girlfriend in the world. it's good to see. im happy for him. im kinda jealous of him, only because he has the awesomest job in the world. he works on ships and just travels ALL over the world. i did get to see some of his pictures though.

Spring Break

it is always so awful coming back from vacation, especially when you go from 80 degree weather to 30 degree weather. it felt so nice just to drive around with the windows down... and the whole time i just kept thinking about all of the things that i wanted to do when i got back... like go tubbing down the river, then it would hit me... wait, there was just a blizzard in new york. i guess i should just be grateful that i got spend as much time in florida as i did. the last time that i had been to florida was in the 5th grade, so it was nice to experience it being a little older. i took an air boat through the everglades, which was pretty cool. i had no idea they would be so loud though. i went to universal and disney... epcot, we drank around the world... i cant even believe that we made it all the way through all of the countries. we went to marco island, which is this tiny island on the gulf. i've never been to the gulf side before. it was beautiful... white sandy beaches and beautiful blue water... it's so much cleaner than the atlantic. we stayed at the marriott resort and it was right on the ocean. one of the walls in our hotel room was just huge windows so the ocean was the background... it was breathtaking. i went to dueling piano bar... for my first time. wow, now that was a good time. we need one of those in albany... anyways, it's no fun to be back...

Free Verse

all day i write
little diddies in my head
trying to extract
a meaningful line
of exploding emotion
like a rusty nail from
a bare foot

all day i write
these fucking diddies in my head
but ive lost my words

these letters used to
be a symphony
now i play scrabble
sifting through the
english language
like a homeless 49er

all day i write
little diddies
which perform their own
rendition of the polka in my head
and they travel infinitely
on the subway
through the canals
of my mind

but just as im about to give birth
to a twenty one pound epiphany
they pull a houdini
because my mind is infested
with sea deep snakeholes
and before i can find any ink
the diddy is lost
catching all sorts of air
flying out of my ears
and turning to dirt

but i would eat that dirt all day
if it promised to deliver a medicine man
that could make it rain beautiful words
for one whole week
granting an anecdote
that could break this code
that could cure this silence

instead im left with white lines

white is nothing more than
snowmen playing patty cake
with dead eyes in december

empty. emotionless. heartless.

i am as empty as those coal eyes

Let it Snow

finally, some serious snow. i was so excited. this sunday, i went to my dad's to see my little brother. i got him all snuggled up to go out in the snow and bought a huge snow tube. i thought it was going to be great, but there was so much snow, that the tube wouldnt go anywhere. it was ridiculous. everytime that we went down, i had to walk my little brother up the hill, because the snow was too much for his little legs (he's lazy, i probably would of had to carry him anyways). he kept eating the snow like it was marshmellows. he loved it. then all of the sudden his face was covered with dirt, which my sister told me he ate a dirty ice scicle. haha. he probably thought that was chocolate. he is such a sweets fanatic. i am too, but i guess if it was my child, i wouldnt give him so much candy. we built tucker a huge fort going through a snow bank. we hollowed it out so it was like an igloo. we got spray paint and titled it 'tuck tunnel'. we told him to make sure everyone gave him money, if they wanted to go through. he was so excited about it, until my grandparents stopped and of course, gave him candy hearts. after that he just sat in the snow tube and ate the hearts. we had to bribe him just to go through the tunnel. it was good to see my sister too. she goes to suny plattsburgh. so she is never really home. i dont think i have seen my sister bundled up in snowpant since we were little kids, so that was really great. all and all, it was a pretty fabulous day. i cant wait to have another one!!!

Tucker...

tuck. that's the love of my life. my little 2 (and i cant forget the half) year old brother. it kills me that i miss out on so many moments in his amazing little world. although i only see him once a month, he knows exactly who i am. nobody else can really keep up with him. that... and the fact that i will give him anything that his little heart desires. i secretly sneak him candy. i love the fact that whenever i go to visit him, i never know how i will find him. sometimes, he likes to be shy, sometimes he just wants to love me and lay with me, and sometimes he is jumping around with such energy that i cant even get a hug out of him. children really are amazing. i've always known that, but having a little brother and being so old, i can really watch him grow and make mental notes about his incredible powers. children are like little magicians. they really know how to put people under thier spells. my little brother knows that he can get anyone to do anything that he wants. i love it that if they do something and it makes you laugh, they will do it again and again and again. the first real face that my brother made that had us in tears was a piggy face. we were rolling on the ground every time that he did it. still whenever we take pictures... all that he will do, is a piggy face. it's to the point where he kinda looks like quozzimodo, from the hunchback of notre dame, and people are beginning to think that my little brother is "special". i would do anything to be a kid again. i always try to imagine what it would be like to go back and live in a land of giants.

I Feel Sick

i feel like i have a little touch of writers block today. or maybe it is the popping sounds in my left ear, it seems to affecting my brain. i feel tired and it feels exhausting even typing away at the keyboard. ahh, it scares me think that i have work tonight. i hate working in a restaurant. it is even worse when i feel sick. the last thing that i feel like doing is waiting on people. i want someone to wait on me, to bring me some chicken noodle soup and advil. and i know that i am going to have to wait on the worse tables tonight, because that is just how things seem to happen. i have been very sick this season. maybe i have the bird flu. i feel so tired. it is so awful when you feel sick and you still have do school work, but i guess that i would rather be doing school work then running around for 6 hours straight. i am so unmotivated.

Vacation

i miss ireland, bikerides on deserted islands, and guiness...

Blind Free Write

ahh, its finally winter. i have been waiting for it to arrive for far too long now. its here only a few months late. i know its here because i cant feel my hands as a i type. , but this excercise will most likely help to warm them up. watching the football game, the players looked like hungry bulls blowing beautiful clouds of white smoke into the atmosphere. maybe that will help to patch the hole in the ozone layer. i dreamed about spring or maybe it was winter, last night. i was walking in a beautiful gaarden. it was supposed to be winter, but all of the flowers had already bloomed. it looked so beaautiful but i knew that it wasnt a good sign. when i touched the flowers and tried to pick one to put in my hair, they fell apart. then there was a snowstorm and it took them all away. death. so the summer was destined to be dead. ive wanted snow for so long. i just want it to snow for 3 whole days. i remember being young with with snowpiles up to my chin, building huge forts and snowball fights. im scared my little brother is going to miss all that. i want snowdays. i want to be able to pull tucker on his new sled that my dad bought him for christmas. but no, they dont believe in global warming. i dont understand how they can justify the crazy weather in their heads. we always argue. he's sure to disown me soon because im a "liberal". why is it that people forget about the simplest most basic things in this life. like the fact that we are just floating around in the air. a huge ball of energy and mass just circling around a burning star. we forget that is what is really important. i miss my family and i miss home. i want to be there everyday. i am missing my little brother grow up. i am missing what precious time might be left with my grandfather. i want to bottle them up and take them home wiht me. as we grow up things just seem to get harder and harder. i wish that i could just throw all of the clocks in the world into a huge garbage dispensor. i hate time.